Sunday, March 29, 2009

MY top fives of good and bad; Stealing canoes is a great canadian pass time

GOOD
1. not walking in snow ( smooth walking feels like buttery sex)
2. naps (fuck yeah i got nothing to do, put buffy the vampire slayer on and sleep)
3. not paying for food (even though your friend is paying it feels like you're giving the middle finger to the man)
4. giving the middle finger (so liberating like walking naked down Broadway)
5. full batteries on my ipod (sorry i ain't talking to you,I'm singing Counting Crows)



BAD
1. paying for drugs (legal or not its no fun, to try to have fun)
2. STDs (seriously nobody needs that shit)
3. Americans (they think they are so special, whatever dude)
4. bandannas tied to your wrist (man you look so stupid dude, hurry nickleback is playing)
5. my impatience  (I fucking hate waiting to eat kraft dinner)

bonus for good and bad

6. hot girls (I'm not into you so don't think you're dope, I'm so into you)

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Scams

One day i was driving home behind a school bus. We pull up to a stop light, just as the bus starts to roll a kid throws a bottle at my car. I flipped, busted a U-bar and followed the bus. All the kids on the bus were looking out the back at me and i pulled my hand across my neck to show i meant business. They all started to point to the kid who did it. Ya I'm scary! When the bus stopped i talked to the driver and he told me to call the school the next day. I talked to the kids parents and they were more than happy to pay for the dent in my hood. The dent was already there and the kids bottle did nothing to my car. But they didn't know that! $150 for me. Ass whopping for the kid.
T-Bagels

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Bum-Hole

There is this guy i know, we'll call him Ron.  Ron has a twisted history.  When he was in elementary school he stole another friends stuffed animal, tore a hole in it, and humped it.  With the other friend in the room.  And he jerked off in class.  I think he might have even wiped the spoof on the teachers back.  And he would go around and stick his finger in his bum and then put his finger on your mouth.  "Bum-hole!"  He used to chase kids around and throw bees nests at them.  The moral of this story...there is not moral.  Just a messed up individual.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Bride of Chucky

One weekend (it might have even been a weekday, it was a pretty good summer in that way),  we were hanging out on my bus and my friend brought out this girl that he works with.  One thing you should know about this guy, is that he has no game.  He actually has anti-game.  Women want him desperately, but for whatever reason he won't seal the deal.  So he has this girl out, and she is pretty naive, so we get into this story about how my other friend and my sister are all actually related because our grandparents had a psychedelic orgy back in the fifties.  We were also incestuous, and had to go to IAA (Incestuous Acts Anonymous).  And she believed it.  We also got her to take off her pants, which she was pretty willing to do.  So we were all having a secret laugh about our little joke, and there is Chuck, avoiding eye contact with this girl in her underwear that wants him to lick whip cream off her inner thigh.  My sister and friend leave the bus for a bit, and i start reminiscing about how we are each other's uncles and brothers and weaving some twisted and bizarre tale when my sister and friend jump on the hood of the bus and start mock drunk-fuckin enough to shake the whole bus.  The girl was more than a little shaken, and i think i suffered a concussion laughing so hard i hit my head on the corner of the bench.  And this was before we got into the caesars.
n.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

S.O.B

i just woke up in Brandon. As frightening a preposition as that might be, i'm at S.O.B., and it's breakfast now. I woke up watching Treehouse TV, and someone had decided to keep the air conditioner on. The whole event smells distinctly of escapades. More to follow.
n.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

There is a cold literary figure roaming winnipeg...

I was driving downtown yesterday and saw a touque laying on the middle of the road.  Of course my first thought was that someone had melted into the road, leaving behind only the hat, like in Roger Rabbit.  Or that someone's head must be cold right now.  And i kept on driving.  Later on, i was driving downtown yet again, and saw a glove.  Now the creepy similarities came together in my brain, and i realized that Where's Waldo was lost in our downtown area, dropping little bits around as clues as he went.  I haven't found the Wizard Whitebeard, but i saw a homeless guy that could have passed, althought i don't think the wizard would have smelled as much like listerine.  Be on the lookout, fellow Waldo-watchers, he walks among us.

n.

NUS Fundraiser Tonight

9pm at The Pyramid Cabaret. You're Going!
Texas Mickey of Vodka
Hand made long board
Mustaches
need i say more

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A Priest, Rabbi and Joe Pesci Walk Into A Bar

I went to the bar "Stereo" last night. That line sums up that this story is going to be fucking retarded.

We pull up and the line isn't that long, but they tricked me and were only letting people in through VIP. So after an hour of waiting and watching dozens of shitty looking portugese dudes and assholes in Affliction gear get into the bar with no wait, we finally get in. I walk through the metal detector then the biggest lesbian bouncer pulls my hat off my head and says "no hats allowed on while in the bar". Are you fucking joking? It's a hat, I needed to cover up my ratnest... Not everybody can pull of the Ski-jump gelled hair. Maybe all the douchebags in the bar could, it would match well with their barbed wire tattoos, along with their puffy tongued DVS and Osiris shoes.

But I digress. Walking through the bar, I saw him. A person I had never met, but just by looking at him and hearing him talk, I knew I've never hated somebody as much as I hated this asshole. Puffy Jamaica colorway Ipaths, cargo pants, Lil' Wayne shirt, flame tattoos on both arms. a gold chain necklace and the gayest looking bleached fauxhawk to top off this miraculous kit. Looking at him, the only thing I could say to myself was "this guy just REALLY doesn't get it." It was even more obvious that he didn't when his opening line on some girl was "Hey baby you need a fuckin drink or what?"

I need to stop writing this because even thinking about him is annoying me.

-TJ

Saturday, March 7, 2009

SNOW IN WINNIPEG?????

So snow was in the peg yesterday, he started selling tickets for 25 bucks a piece but by showtime ticks were two for 10 bucks. That should have been an indication of the quality of show we were about to see. Well it was, there was about 100 die hard snow fans at blush so it was pretty bare. So snow hits the stage at 12 and by 12:10 he still had not actually sang a lyric from one of his 2 hits. They kept looping this bullshit beat from some Jamaican hot jam. then he bolts to a door behind the stage and goes to portage avenue.once people sorta begin to boo he returns to loop the same bumbuclut track for 3 minutes. Once we were into the first jam it fully fuckin sucks, he had the worst stage presence just sorta pacing looking down and shouting some bullshit no one could understand. he played informer and some other unrecognisable tracks. he was on stage for about 45 minutes then bolted to the "vip". The VIP was just the upstairs of blush that was roped up by chongo security guards. He had some security duder limiting people to one picture, it was basically just a shabby meet n greet. This basically concluded the worst bullshit concert I've ever attended. The only highlight of the night was some random dude walking into Denny's with a street pylon on his head and yelling at the waitress. Thanks snow for a wonderful evening BEAT IT.....Gilbotron



www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icb_tRTnA4g

Monday, March 2, 2009

Yeti

It was +5 outside in Fernie
when this yeti vest walks into the local 
skate shop/mexican diner/lowlife hangout. 
It took a few moments to realize that no, i have not just encounted sasquatch.
She was no doubt a woman from calgary visiting her vacation property. 
I couldnt even finish my fucking burrito.  

A Word of Warning

I am a product of the lowest common denominator, the result of a percolating experiment to override all things that science and humanity has gifted to the world. I am not disfigured, at least not on the outside. But i am certainly different on the inside. You have seen me, i have probably served you beer at a bar, or pumped your gas. You know me, and those like me, but you don't know my story. I am a countryfest baby.

I believe if Darwin or Kinsey had ever been to Countryfest, their thoeries or sex and species might have greatly changed. Countryfest is a place where basic math breaks down, like a black hole for numbers and other sensible thoughts. It was in this mess that i was concieved.

And now i am secretly shunned by soceity. Oh, society doesn't know that it is hating on me, but it talks about me behind my back to my face. But this isn't the worst of it, because i must deal with an even greater foe. This enemy is the Han Solo to my Chewie (you know a Wookie is never going to get the girl), the Lancelot to my, i dunno, like some squire or something...The Folkfest baby. The Folkfest baby can walk proudly down the street, where i must mask myself.

But one day, we will meet, on a great hill ro field maybe, and we will all confront each other messed outside our heads on our chosen 'weapons', and dance naked until the following dawn. Then we'll see what's what.
n.

The NUSmanifesto

We are a revolutionary front powered by late night binge-thinking, for the purpose of exposing our friends and enemies as frauds and bastards, a platform for the exploitation of talent for talents sake, i.e. non-profit, to shed some light on fringe society until we all die of syphyllis, which is a horrible name for a child, by the way.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

First nose picker

possible cover?
what do you think