First time I pissed on a cowboy hat.

So I'm on my way to a party in Falcon Lake with a buddy of mine in the dead of winter. We left the city kinda late and due to poor road conditions and three near car accidents, we arrived kind of late. Everyone at the party is smashed and so my friend and I decide we ought to catch up. My poison? Two 2L bottles of Stone Cold beer, which I managed to destroy within 45 minutes of arrival. I only remember the first hour and a half of that night, although reports state that I was well and kicking for at least three hours. I remember almost getting into a fight with six dudes wielding baseball bats, tire irons, and other what have yous' they snatched from their cars, and hitting on my other friend's girlfriend.

I woke up the next morning feeling great, but still quite cut, in the bedroom of the girl who owned the place, with a different buddy that I had gone to school with, a girl I had gone to school with and some other people I didn't know. (it was a loft style bedroom with three beds...................) My buddy woke up about the same time I did and asked me if I had to pee? "Pee?" I asked. He said "Yeah you pissed last night, do you have to pee?" Of course I pissed last night, drunk people pee all the time I though to myself. "What do you mean I pissed last night?" I asked. "You pissed right there on the floor! and a little bit on that girl! (points to the girl we went to school with) and on some dude's cow boy hat! "Well the hat had it comming." I said "But I don't believe you for a second." Then I got up and went downstairs to a crowd of people yelling "HEY ITS PEE GUY!"

I do also remember pissing in a snow bank with a bunch of clothes in it, including a cowboy hat.

But seriously fuck guys with cowboy hats.


Texas.Lee

FIRST TIME I SAW A DANCING VAGINA

I've never really been the party type. I didn't drink til I was 20, never really dated, didn't really do any kind of drugs until i was into my 20s. So I think it was when I was 19 or 20 when I went to the strip club for the first time. My friends had been regulars at this particular club. I was very reluctant to go and kept a distant mood between having a good time and the evening. Of course my friends wanted to sit "sniffers row"  I was totally not into that, i was the guy on sniffers row with his arms crossed looking at a tv.  literally maybe two songs in something snapped and i then looked like i had been to that bar many many times. it was like a switch happened and I went from a 'to cool for school asshole' to the penis driven male that I am.  Banging on the dance floor and yelling with the best of 'em. I know doing that now isn't  cool and I don't do it now but it was my first time at the strip, give me a break, vagina. 

I've been there many times since then

-DF

Happy Days at the Villa

if we are still on firsts, i have a happy one that i just can't keep bottled up. The first time i enjoyed going to the Villa was this night. There was this group of blonde (possibly foriegn, swedish maybe) girls just givin' 'er on the dance floor. But not like you usually see in bars, they were actually dancing because they enjoyed dancing, without pretense or subtext. It was like a family social (my family loves to dance, though admittedly not very well), not some grotesque grindfest that reeks of bullshit. It was honest it was cheerful, and it made me smile. In the Villa of all places. So heres to you, dancing blonde girls. If i ever see you again, i might ask you all to marry me.

It's 12:39 and i can't sleep because I'm so amped. WHY?
I'm at the local watering hole to meet a friend for a quick drink on the way home. Go have a puff outside. have a beer. laugh. You know what a bar is like. I should mention our buddy is the bar tender. This super sketch coke head/dealer to fags comes in with a 48 year old dude to do shots. Cokey say to the bar tender that "i got your back man" so my friend who i met their jokingly pushes the bar keep. Cokey didn't like that. He pulls off his coat and starts yelling shit. Next thing i know I'm on the ground and so is my bar stool. He threatened to "skin us" and told the bar tender to watch his back, right after he said he had his back.
Don't become a Coke dealer Root Beer is much better.
T

Monster in the Basement

You know when you get that feeling like there's someone/something watching you? Well I always thought I knew what that felt like, until the time came when I actually found out what it feels like...
I was in the jungles of northern Argentina set out to enjoy the sights of some kick-ass water falls shared between the jungles of northern Argentina, and southern Brazil.
A great day was had, and as it wound down, and the sun started to set, I headed back to the pick-up point. I needed to follow a set of train tracks that ran through the jungle, then turn left off the tracks, onto a path that would take me to the pick-up.
As soon as I walked left, off the tracks, something strange happened... The whole look and feel of the jungle changed... During the day the jungle was crawling with activity, alive, and randomly noisy, like a kindergarton class full of kids! But when I turned left onto this path I was struck with a feeling of intentional stillness... Something was up.... I brushed it off as silly paranoia, and continued walking. Shortly after I thought I heard the noise of foot steps off into the bush... So I stopped, and listened... But as soon as I stopped moving the noise stopped. My heart's pase spead up a bit. "Hm," I thought... "That's weird?" So I kept moving, and sure enough, I heard it again, "crunch, crunch." Almost in rythm with my footsteps. This time I knew for sure that I heard it, stopped again, and began searching in the direction of the noise to try and see the source. But, I couldn't see anything... Fuck, I'm in the jungle wearing flip-flops(bad decision from the get-go), it's dark, and I'm alone... Heart started to beat even faster, and my body was telling me to get the fuck off this narrow-ass path. But, curiosity was also telling me to move forward, and find out what was making that noise. So I kept on walking, heart beating through my chest, and sure enough I heard the noise again, "crunch, crunch." This time I was ready for it, and my gaze was set in the direction where I thought it was coming from... I stopped walking a peered into the jungle... Then, there it was. A 45 degree angle off the path, about 20 metres ahead of me. A black puma, head still, SLOWLY moving through the jungle towards the path. The presence of it, and my entire lack of experience of the situation awoke my being like a slap in the face followed by a bucket of cold water!! "Holy shit!!" Once it was confirmed that I was in fact seeing what I thought I was, and then realized that I wasn't in a fucking zoo, I slowly started walking backward for a few steps, then turned, and ran the hell outa there! You know when you were a little kid coming up the stairs from the basement, and you run up the stairs as fast as you can so the monsters don't get you? Well, that's what it felt like, but with a real monster! Longest run of my life. I finally reached the train tracks, only to hear heavy movement through the bushes behind me...I turned, ready to fuck that cat up, but luckily... for it, it ran the other way. That was the first time I saw a big cat in the wild!
R.D.

The sky is falling

So this is the price i pay for living in a fixer-upper; last night i got out the pots and pans because the ceiling was leaking. no bigs, but the pinging was loud enough that i had to turn up the Kid Koala, which actually mixed with the drip rhythms. anyway, i woke up in the morning and noticed the neat little cave in that was become my new ceiling. I crawl into the attic, which involves a fair bit of acrobatics and tried to find the source. Note to self, next time bring a flashlight. When that didn't solve anything, i went to have some bagels and eggs for breakfast. Well lunch technically, but i had just woken up, so call it what you want. And as i am sitting down for a nice relaxing food-meal, a mice big chunk of the ceiling falls on me. worse things have happened, but it still ruined my bagel and eggs. And now there is a big ugly hole above the coffee table.
the end.
n.

Metal Head

When do you get to that point in your life when you say to yourself, I'm not going to cut my hair and wear this leather jacket for 20 years. Maybe go to every metal show at the Zoo and get partied out. Wake up on some dudes floor beside empty Molson cans, cold pizza, and smoke butts.
Where do these people work?
T-Bag