Blow it out your mouth

If I hear one more person comment about me smoking, I WILL put my cigarette out on their tongue. Sorry to get excited, but I’m fed up. YES I smoke, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. You don’t need to ask me if I do, after I light up a cigarette. You don’t need to tell me its bad for me, I know. I mean seriously, if I’m walking down the street smoking a cigarette and Jake Shticknisarse is walking past me I don’t need his 2 cents. I’m not an asshole about smoking. I’m not gonna come into your house, light one up and start talking about the weather. But if I do please state your opinion. However until that happens, its my body, and my choice as to what I do with it. So long as its not affecting you, don’t talk to me about it. Don’t get me wrong though I’m not trying to justify smoking, I just simply mean to say leave me alone about it. I’ll quit when I’m ready and your hurricane of smoking facts isn’t going to quicken the process.

“What? There ISN’T any vitamin C in my cigarette? Whats that? Smoking can cause CANCER!?”

texas.lee

Barack the Rock Star

So i was listening to some CBC Radio (which should be mandatory for anyone with an opinion to listen to before making said opinion), and the Obama presidential visit was what was on. They were interviewing people who had come from quite a way and waited in Ottawa's cold to catch a glimpse of the president. Okay, that's cool, i get that it's history in the making and all that, but they made a point of the fact that Mr. Obama waved at the crowd. Now if you can remember the last time anybody wanted to go through all that to see a head of state (without the intention of throwing a shoe at him) you probably do so with the help of alzhiemer medication, cause that was back with JFK and Trudeau.

So to recap, hundreds if not thousands of people waited around in the cold for hours to catch a few seconds of Barack Obama, and were satisfied with a wave to the crowd. That is a rock star if i ever heard one. I can see the Obama tattoos and groupie fan clubs now.

Not anything against Obama. I for one have full confidence in him (as far as that translates in the real world), but really people, enough of the hero worship. You are the people who vote based on which party colours match your wardrobe. Leave him alone for a while and let him do his job.

Tore Up From The Floor Up

I've realized that all my stories are about me getting down with women. If someone finds them offensive please feel free to comment.
Keep in mind I won't care. But if you want your word to be heard, go for it.
Anyways...
The first time I realized I had this talent was in Grade Eight. The bus I took after school was filled with older girls. I was in heaven because they would always holler at me and tell me to sit with them. But there was one girl. Her name's gonna stay Anonymous for reasons unknown. But anyways, one day she got me to sit beside her and I'm not sure why. Since she was older than me, prettier and had big breasts which me and all my friends would talk about everytime we got off the bus.

The next day at school word was flyin around that she wanted me to sit beside her every day from now on. But she wanted me to put my hand up her shirt too (no foolin' they were huge).. I still don't know what the fuck she was thinking. But that afternoon bus ride was the most memorable bus ride I have ever taken in my entire life. She had the most soft, perfectly round boobs. But that's not all... after I got off the bus, all I saw was her stand up to the window and press her bare breasts up against the glass. It looked like two really big eyeballs were just staring at me.

I have loved older women ever since and I still love taking the bus because when I sit in that back seat all I can do is smile.



-TJ

Slurpees and Hash

Me and Brandon, Manitoba have a little history. Mostly because of my cousin, who is the reason i no longer wear diapers. I used to hang out with him, and because we were only about 15 and 13 respectively, we just walked around a lot, and went to rent video games, and buy slurpees, and occasionally go to his dealer friends house, so that i could put on his electric glove that he plugged into the socket and zapped stuff around the room. It was one of these time in winter, me with a cherry slurpee, and us walking around minding our own business, when an ugly puke green van turns the corner a little too sharp, slides out a little, and runs into me as i'm walking on the curb. My slurpee flies up in the air and lands on the guys windshield, and he slams on his breaks. He was freakin out, 'cause he thought the cherry slurpee was blood mixed with all the slush on his windshield, and he comes up to me lying on the ground. His side mirror was busted where i had rolled of the side. He gets out and is really panicky. He asks me if i'm okay, and i couldn't really breathe, so i just nodded. Then he asked me if i wanted some Hash. I couldn't breathe, let alone smoke, so i shook my head. My cousin, however, said yes, and the two of them sat in the back of the van while i lay on the sidewalk until i could stand up straight again. It all happened kinda fast, but you'd think he would have at least given me some money or something...cheap ass Brandon Hash Man.
n.

Cross-dresser

It was grade 12. My teacher was talking about social conditioning, and was explaining to us why it is that men don't wear dresses. That it wasn't because they didn't want to, but because of social standards, conditioning, etc...
Well obviously if a dude wears a dress in public, he's going to get some strange reactions, but ultimately if one wanted to, it could be done, and that's that. I told her the reason dudes don't wear dresses isn't because of fear of societies reaction, but because we just don't want to...
So the next day I woke up and instead of putting on my "normal" clothes, I went to my sisters room and grabbed a pretty little number from her closet... I got dressed and began my walk to school wearing a black flowered dress... I was going to show my teacher how simple it really is.
While leaving the house my dad saw me, then asked me if there was something I wanted to talk about with him... The simplicity was soon disapearing.
The walk to school was no better. Full of insults, threats, "hollers," and more. The day at school was more of the same. Violent threats, curious looks, ass grabs, insults, compliments, everything one can imagine, and more... Finally I had class with the teacher, and we all had a good laugh at my little experiment... Yes, she was right. The dress was comfortable, I guess. But there's no fucking way I'm doing that again. Not worth the attention, and potentially dangerous reactions. This was the first time I publically wore womans clothing on a normal day.
R.D.

Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

I went to school with a girl. On the outside she was beautiful, red hair, legs to next week, she was put together very nicely. From what I knew she was a great person too.

One night we found ourselves in a cellar of a friends house. A legitimate cellar too, there were so many jars of pickled vegetables and canned fruits. But I digress. This girl starts to go down into my area and whatnot. I'm psyched, just as every other 17 year old boy would be. But she starts treating it like she's peeling a carrot. I was in so much pain, I couldn't take it anymore.

I told her to stop. She asked if I wanted to take it further and my obvious response was "no fucking way." Since it felt like my dick was going to fall off and into one of the jars of pickled carrots, where (i felt like) it belonged.

Maybe I should stop getting down with girls at house parties?

-TJ

Busch

New Years Eve, two years ago. At the stroke of midnight I'm locked in my ex-girlfriend's friend's bathroom with my ex-girlfriend. Shit is getting sweaty. Me and this girl had not yet fooled around or anything, so it was all a new and exciting experience, like putting on a new pair of shoes. Except a wet shoe that I'm sticking my john into.

She lays on the bathroom floor and gives me the "fuckme" eyes and unzips her pants..

The first time I ever said no to sex was when I didn't see her vagina, but a big burly forest of pubic hair come popping out of this girl's pants. I swear it was right when everybody yelled out "HAPPY NEW YEAR" downstairs. I told her some story about how it would be wrong to go unprotected and I had to leave anyways.

Six days later I broke up with her.
I just couldn't deal with it.

-TJ Morand