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Ernie Booms Productions

photos/Travis Tait

Flaming Ford

Photos/TravisTait

How does a Ford Windstar burn in front of a camera store and nobody gets a picture?

I caught the aftermath, but I wanted fire.

You're Just Not a Dude

So I'm quite positive everyone who is reading this has been hungry at some point in their life. To a point when you feel more easily agitated. Trivial things that happen piss you off, and it's easier for you to flip out and throw a little bit of a temper tantrum. Now not that I've tried, but I'm sure it's the same when you're quitting smoking. Similarities surface in women when they are facing their inevitable 28 day ventures, but I don't know if it's the same, I'm not a woman. However, I am certain that the same rising aggravation is installed directly into mens brains when they feel a lack of sexual release. You know, when they haven't cum. Everyone's a cummer. Noone's broken. For you women who think you are, you're fine, you just haven't experienced great oral sex as of yet. But when you see a guy out murdering people or raping young church boys, it's probably because he just really needs to cum. So the next time your boyfriend flips out because you asked him what type of sandwich meat he'd like on his bagel you should probably just suck a dick.

Hot Dog eating contest at the Mansion

Winner took home a very fine ship kindly donated by TJ. He ate 12.5 dogs in 20min. Runners up ate 12. Sadly Nobody puked.

Gangsta as fuck

This guy is the real deal. Fohawk with orange tips, scarf (its 17c outside), baggy jeans, plaid shirt, lanyard, chain wallet, fake diamond earing, chongo chrome sunglases, ONE BLACK GLOVE. And the most badass attitude.

To bad his MOM was paying for his passport pictures. Probably the glove to.

Poser

Im such a loser when it comes to Skateboarding. Put man i can make a tail stall look good out of a old dryer.

Photos by/ James Wall

Air

Since when do you have to pay for air? While driving the other day i picked up a nail in my tire. So i go to get some air. When i get to Petro Canada the air hose now has a huge box attached to it and it wants $1 to blow some air into my tire. Is the recession making companies crazy? Sure it costs money to buy the compressor but its a service you offer to the customer and maybe they will buy a over priced chocolate bar inside your store. Instead i'll pay the buck and piss on the side of your building.

There's a first time for everything, and i mean everything.

Tripping out on a psychedelic drug is one thing. But having a gnarly trip, getting a cash reward and then marked a hero seems like pure fate. This guy had it all, not to mention the story that has proved once and again good things come in all forms.

Kicking back in rural Manitoba, it was an average night with infinite possibilities- boys’ night in the country at a local’s house-but this time an ounce of mushrooms hit the mix. The prairie air was calm though the anticipation to drop the zoomers was building. Dusk set in and unlike regular nights the boys could feel one another’s energy as they choked down the foul-tasting fungi, hardly noticing its compelling stench amid their excitement.

Time crawled until the first sign of unusual ambiance, then BAM suddenly Jason started tripping. Getting high was the mission but his trip was too steep, far beyond comfort. The striped earth-toned wall paper was scrolling as if it were an old fashioned movie projector spinning out of control. He struggled to keep a steady focal point but was convinced that the couches were not the same couches he and his friends had sat on moments before; nothing was the same to him. He had crossed the threshold to another dimension, a place he knew was a reality but rarely had access to. Tonight all he wanted to be was himself again, unaware and back to normal. Jason insisted it was crucial for him to get home immediately. He was severely intoxicated, so he knew the only feasible way home was to walk. The dilemma was that the only way home was the highway. From within their own hallucinations, his friends attempted to retain him within the basement walls, but Jason would not have it. Overcome with claustrophobia and uneasiness he stormed out of the house and into the night.

What seemed like moments later, Jason's companions received a phone call from a very disturbed Jason in his climax, “There is a fucking gnome following me home! I swear to God a fucking gnome!”

Jason's friends replied, “No man, you're just tripping, keep walking make it home ignore the gnome, don't look back it's not really there.” Jason would not accept the fact that the gnome was a figment of his imagination and eventually the phone call ended without agreement. Jason continued his walk, perpetually leering and dodging into shadows, covering his tracks. Finally he couldn't handle it anymore, the gnome was persistently skulking in his wake, and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't shake him. In his drug-induced paranoia, he decided to pick the gnome up, both to put an end to the gnome’s pursuit and to prove to his friends of it’s existence.

Approximately two hours later Jason arrived home at last. He cautiously made his way up the gravel drive and anxiously unlocked the door. His goal was to quietly reach the second floor without dropping the creature or making any noise. Lacking balance he stumbled up the stairs one foot at a time, clutching the gnome. His room felt safe and peaceful. His futon looked inviting, and he embraced the atmosphere. Still high, he decided to securely place the gnome in his closet, but not without proper provisions. He challenged the stairs once more, this time for a bowl of milk. Sketchy and exhausted, he entered his bliss once again, setting the bowl of milk in the closet for his new found friend.

Satisfied, Jason closed the closet door and fell into bed. He woke up late in the afternoon the next day rubbing his stomach, which had extreme gut rot. Ignoring it, he carried on with his morning ritual. While trying to piece together the previous night, he pried himself out of bed, brushed his teeth, and washed his face. He entered into his room again, he laid back on his bed observing his surroundings, simply trying to relax, and scanning his environment he heard something coming from the closet. As he sleuthed, he sensed this would play an essential role to remembering last night's events. He walked taking deep breaths with each footstep until his closet. The curiosity was increasing, Jason was experiencing deja view. Carefully he turned the knob to the door not knowing what he would find. He peeked into the small crevasse slowly pushing the door, little by little. He caught a glimpse of something, something that seemed to be flesh colored. “Shit” he thought to himself. He quickly closed his eyes, “OK...one...two...three” he opened them with hesitance. He gasped! Sitting there in his disbelief was a curled up child! Jason could not comprehend it at all. He contacted the authorities to assess the quandary he was now in. Evidently the child who was currently in Jason's closet was a local child with down syndrome who had been missing, roaming the highway for days. The parents had put out a search party using all of their resources trying to find their boy. The parents were so grateful that they bestowed a large award up on Jason. One would wonder what interlocked this odd pair and caused this chain reaction of random occurrences. Whatever it truly was, it was meant to be. A great payoff for a night he can hardly remember, could life get any better? We didn't think so, ALTHOUGH I STILL HAVEN'T TOLD YOU THE BEST PART OF THE STORY... The bowl of milk was gone.

By:votham anastasiadis

Revenge is sweet...

The Scheme

Today i've formulated a plan to squench the deepest revenge from my earliest youth.  I've taken a vow in writing to avenge this wrong, and now i've thought of how i'm going to do it.

So i have this friend.  I've known her since grade one, she lived on my street, we go back, etc.  Now one day, me and my friend Adam are walking around what is now the old hood.  We were in about grade seven or eight.  And we wanted cake.  So we went to this friends house, and asked her if she had any.  She said:

No.

We said:

C'mon.  You have cake

No.

Yes.

NO.

yes...and on and on.

We waited for a while outside her house to ambush her, but we got bored and went home to have no cake.   

It was only later that we found out about the treachery.  As soon as we were out of sight, she went inside and ATE CAKE!  I seem to remember some evil laughing on her part.

So here comes the revenge.  We left a not so subtle hint in our student council year book page about collecting with interest.  And i've found the interest.  She's going to get married one day, odds on for her current boyfriend whom is a friend of mine also and a rad guy to boot.

When they get married, me and Adam are going to steal the wedding cake.  Thus my revenge will be complete. 

Sweet 16

The Reason I'm Going To Be Left Out Of the Will

(The Story of My Sweet 16)

I was babysitting at my aunt and uncles one evening, and by chance i see a strange drawing on the fridge.  Looking closer, it's me, or a crude drawing thereof    (actually, it was a pretty good caricature).  It was strange, and i almost walked away, but something drew me closer.  It was an invitation to my !6th Birthday.  The wheels started turning.  I didn't tell my uncle and aunt me knowing.  That would have given up my advantage.

So the day before the surprise, or maybe it was the day of, i unleash the plans on my friends, Dusitn and Adam.  It must have been the day of, because i remember they were both taking me out and 'hanging' for a day while the house was getting prepped.  I have to admit, it was fun watching them squirm a little everytime i talked about needing to go back home, etc.  

Finally i broke the charade, turned to Dustin and said:

"So's how about my birthday?"

Dustin completely froze for a second.  I told him i knew the whole thing, and that i had a plan.  Dustin would dress in my clothes; a hoody which i had worn specifically for that reason, my shoes, glasses (prescription, and only pair), and pants.  

Adam was driving, so he dropped me off at the top of the street, and drove to my house, like he was supposed to.  Meanwhile i raced down the back lane in my underwear, without my glasses.  I snuck in the backdoor, standing right behind a few members of my family as they watched what they thought was me enter the front door.  

When Dustin got to the front door, my dad was ready with the camera, to take a picture of my surprise face.  He got Dustin instead.  So while my dad was pumping white hot rage at my friend, i watched from the kitchen.  Dustin was desperately trying to explain himself without giving me away, god bless him.  And just when someone was about to say something and break the mood, i yell out 

SURPRISE!!!

The party was great, but i don't think my dad ever quite got over it.

n.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

"I was staying over at a girlfriends house for Thanksgiving.  Not like her house, but her parents.  So i'm sleeping in her room, and she's sleeping on the couch, with the parents placing themselves strategically in between.  The Trap was that the bathroom was on the other side of her parents room, so i had to walk past their door, on their creaky floor, to use the bathroom, and probably wake them up.  Them being protective of their daughter, i just didn't want to face that interrogation in the morning.  

The rub was that i had drank a lot of beer that evening, and hadn't gone yet.  But no way in hell was i walking by that door.  So i lift up the window, and start going. I realize that there is a screen there, but it's too late.  So i try putting some force behind it to make it through the screen.  

This fails.  There is a good amount of backsplash, and it's all over the floor, and dripping on the screen.  So i pick up a throw pillow and mop up the mess, which is why i bought her parents a Sham-Wow for christmas.  In the morning i went outside and there was a big yellow spot in the snow that i covered with snow.  

That girl is no longer my girlfriend.

Earth Day

Earth Day

What did you do for Earth Day? 

Sample responses:  " i made love to mother earth" 

"I smoked half as much reefer(?).

"i didn't dump four gallons of motor oil in the gutter....I also recognized captain planet as a childhood hero."

"I planted a seed in your sister.  Watch it grow!"

"i reused napkins at work."

"Didn't wear clothes and cleaned up garbage.."

For Earth Day, I didn't do much in the way of helping use less energy and live cleaner.  I did feel guilty about watching tv though.  But only cause there was crap on.  One friend assumed i had made some kind of plans myself, like i threw a party or something.  But i did end up watching the BBC doc. Planet Earth.  And it made me realize something.

That something was how eerily like a vast mega computer the earth actually is, that there are patterns in the stampeding Wildabeest, and waterfalls that have no business being there by conventional laws of physics, and other things strange and wonderful that are working in harmony for some greater good.  The Hitchhikers Guide was not only incredibly witty and entertaining, but oddly prophetic as well.  We are all coming closer as a culture to an understanding that we are a part of the earth, not some alien beings outsourced.  We are a part of the program.  

The problem with all this earth stuff is that most people can't see the big picture, and that is this; that the earth is infinitely more complex than we are capable of understanding, because we are not in a position to see it all at once, and see how it is all operating at a moment.  Which is why i'm not worried about the planet earth, i'm worried about us.

The world was floating around and doing it's calculations long before we arrived on the scene, and will continue to do so.  Just like a virus won't make the whole computer spontaneously catch fire, we won't do the same to our planet.  In essence that is what we've become; a nice little program that's become a virus.  And because we are a virus in such a sophisticated computer engine, the engine is soon going to find a way to get on with it's business without us.  Everything we are doing to the environment we are first and foremost doing to ourselves, even if we don't realize it.  If we were wiped off the face of the earth, the earth would still be there.  So before it's too late, lets make ourselves useful instead of what we have been doing in our ignorance, become more of a hassle than we are worth.

Basically we have to learn how to work with the system, instead of trying to control the system, because in the long run it's going to be the system that wins out.

The Car Wash

When a bunch of naked guys with bonners form 2 lines and spin around in circles and you have to run thru without getting slapped with a wiener.

Sharks

Stay out of the water

If sharks can smile a drop of blood from a 100 metres away, it's no wonder so many people get eaten or bit by sharks at the beach. So Girls for one week a month stay out of the water, for all our sake.

http://www.swimatyourownrisk.com/2008/08/28/another-shark-bite-at-new-smyrna-2/

The Following is an exert from actual thesis paper:

"Evolutionary Process and it's culmination in city planning and architecture"

Life has found footholds in every crevice on our planet.  Random mutation is given it's opportunity to thrive only if the habitat is fertile enough to cultivate it, and is specific to the life type.  If there is carbon in the atmosphere, then there will evolve a carbon using life form.  Life exists in the greatest depths of the ocean and at the highest peaks.  In short, life finds a way.

I propose to develop the evolutionary process to it's logic conclusion in architecture and city planning, and it's effects on mutational patterns in specifically hedgehogs.

Environment is so influential in the evolution of species, indeed mutation is a product of environment.  Humans are the only species to affect it's own environment on such a grand scale.  We have come to design buildings not only for purpose but for beauty as well.  And it is through this that we will come to aid evolutionary mutation.  Cities in the future will be designed with great swooping structures and various handholds and speed ramps.  This will facilitate human vehicles, but will provide a new habitat for a new species to occupy this new environment.  

I predict that new and rapid mutations will occur in the hedgehog sub-species in parallel with advancements and innovations in city planning and architecture.

The first arguement in favour of this evolution is...."

It goes on.

n.

GI

Photos by Travis Tait 

Gi Joes provided by Texas Lee

I hate downtown

10am: Old guys walks into Don's Photo and says he "PEED" himself. Turns to the door then walks back in looks at me with a smile and says "I just soiled myself" then walks out of the store.
11:30am: Old black guy comes in, no teeth, mubbles some shit to me. Takes off his backpack takes a cooler out, takes a bag out of the cooler, and out of the bag comes a rusted(maybe bloody) set of head trimmers covered in hair and says he bought this here. I told him we sell cameras and he didin't buy it here. He trys to hand it to me to fix. I stepped back to keep a buffer between me and the death clippers. I told him to go to the Bay and bug them.

Snow Blow

April fools, or Christmas? Snow storm in Arpil, fuck off. Winnipeg is wierd.
Lets all get on a boat and follow the flood water until we hit the North Pole, I hear it's nice this time of year.

MY top fives of good and bad; Stealing canoes is a great canadian pass time

GOOD

1. not walking in snow ( smooth walking feels like buttery sex)

2. naps (fuck yeah i got nothing to do, put buffy the vampire slayer on and sleep)

3. not paying for food (even though your friend is paying it feels like you're giving the middle finger to the man)

4. giving the middle finger (so liberating like walking naked down Broadway)

5. full batteries on my ipod (sorry i ain't talking to you,I'm singing Counting Crows)

BAD

1. paying for drugs (legal or not its no fun, to try to have fun)

2. STDs (seriously nobody needs that shit)

3. Americans (they think they are so special, whatever dude)

4. bandannas tied to your wrist (man you look so stupid dude, hurry nickleback is playing)

5. my impatience  (I fucking hate waiting to eat kraft dinner)

bonus for good and bad

6. hot girls (I'm not into you so don't think you're dope, I'm so into you)

Scams

One day i was driving home behind a school bus. We pull up to a stop light, just as the bus starts to roll a kid throws a bottle at my car. I flipped, busted a U-bar and followed the bus. All the kids on the bus were looking out the back at me and i pulled my hand across my neck to show i meant business. They all started to point to the kid who did it. Ya I'm scary! When the bus stopped i talked to the driver and he told me to call the school the next day. I talked to the kids parents and they were more than happy to pay for the dent in my hood. The dent was already there and the kids bottle did nothing to my car. But they didn't know that! $150 for me. Ass whopping for the kid.
T-Bagels

Bum-Hole

There is this guy i know, we'll call him Ron.  Ron has a twisted history.  When he was in elementary school he stole another friends stuffed animal, tore a hole in it, and humped it.  With the other friend in the room.  And he jerked off in class.  I think he might have even wiped the spoof on the teachers back.  And he would go around and stick his finger in his bum and then put his finger on your mouth.  "Bum-hole!"  He used to chase kids around and throw bees nests at them.  The moral of this story...there is not moral.  Just a messed up individual.

The Bride of Chucky

One weekend (it might have even been a weekday, it was a pretty good summer in that way),  we were hanging out on my bus and my friend brought out this girl that he works with.  One thing you should know about this guy, is that he has no game.  He actually has anti-game.  Women want him desperately, but for whatever reason he won't seal the deal.  So he has this girl out, and she is pretty naive, so we get into this story about how my other friend and my sister are all actually related because our grandparents had a psychedelic orgy back in the fifties.  We were also incestuous, and had to go to IAA (Incestuous Acts Anonymous).  And she believed it.  We also got her to take off her pants, which she was pretty willing to do.  So we were all having a secret laugh about our little joke, and there is Chuck, avoiding eye contact with this girl in her underwear that wants him to lick whip cream off her inner thigh.  My sister and friend leave the bus for a bit, and i start reminiscing about how we are each other's uncles and brothers and weaving some twisted and bizarre tale when my sister and friend jump on the hood of the bus and start mock drunk-fuckin enough to shake the whole bus.  The girl was more than a little shaken, and i think i suffered a concussion laughing so hard i hit my head on the corner of the bench.  And this was before we got into the caesars.

n.

NUS Fundraiser Pictures

S.O.B

i just woke up in Brandon. As frightening a preposition as that might be, i'm at S.O.B., and it's breakfast now. I woke up watching Treehouse TV, and someone had decided to keep the air conditioner on. The whole event smells distinctly of escapades. More to follow.
n.

There is a cold literary figure roaming winnipeg...

I was driving downtown yesterday and saw a touque laying on the middle of the road.  Of course my first thought was that someone had melted into the road, leaving behind only the hat, like in Roger Rabbit.  Or that someone's head must be cold right now.  And i kept on driving.  Later on, i was driving downtown yet again, and saw a glove.  Now the creepy similarities came together in my brain, and i realized that Where's Waldo was lost in our downtown area, dropping little bits around as clues as he went.  I haven't found the Wizard Whitebeard, but i saw a homeless guy that could have passed, althought i don't think the wizard would have smelled as much like listerine.  Be on the lookout, fellow Waldo-watchers, he walks among us.

n.

NUS Fundraiser Tonight

9pm at The Pyramid Cabaret. You're Going!
Texas Mickey of Vodka
Hand made long board
Mustaches
need i say more

A Priest, Rabbi and Joe Pesci Walk Into A Bar

I went to the bar "Stereo" last night. That line sums up that this story is going to be fucking retarded.

We pull up and the line isn't that long, but they tricked me and were only letting people in through VIP. So after an hour of waiting and watching dozens of shitty looking portugese dudes and assholes in Affliction gear get into the bar with no wait, we finally get in. I walk through the metal detector then the biggest lesbian bouncer pulls my hat off my head and says "no hats allowed on while in the bar". Are you fucking joking? It's a hat, I needed to cover up my ratnest... Not everybody can pull of the Ski-jump gelled hair. Maybe all the douchebags in the bar could, it would match well with their barbed wire tattoos, along with their puffy tongued DVS and Osiris shoes.

But I digress. Walking through the bar, I saw him. A person I had never met, but just by looking at him and hearing him talk, I knew I've never hated somebody as much as I hated this asshole. Puffy Jamaica colorway Ipaths, cargo pants, Lil' Wayne shirt, flame tattoos on both arms. a gold chain necklace and the gayest looking bleached fauxhawk to top off this miraculous kit. Looking at him, the only thing I could say to myself was "this guy just REALLY doesn't get it." It was even more obvious that he didn't when his opening line on some girl was "Hey baby you need a fuckin drink or what?"

I need to stop writing this because even thinking about him is annoying me.

-TJ

SNOW IN WINNIPEG?????

So snow was in the peg yesterday, he started selling tickets for 25 bucks a piece but by showtime ticks were two for 10 bucks. That should have been an indication of the quality of show we were about to see. Well it was, there was about 100 die hard snow fans at blush so it was pretty bare. So snow hits the stage at 12 and by 12:10 he still had not actually sang a lyric from one of his 2 hits. They kept looping this bullshit beat from some Jamaican hot jam. then he bolts to a door behind the stage and goes to portage avenue.once people sorta begin to boo he returns to loop the same bumbuclut track for 3 minutes. Once we were into the first jam it fully fuckin sucks, he had the worst stage presence just sorta pacing looking down and shouting some bullshit no one could understand. he played informer and some other unrecognisable tracks. he was on stage for about 45 minutes then bolted to the "vip". The VIP was just the upstairs of blush that was roped up by chongo security guards. He had some security duder limiting people to one picture, it was basically just a shabby meet n greet. This basically concluded the worst bullshit concert I've ever attended. The only highlight of the night was some random dude walking into Denny's with a street pylon on his head and yelling at the waitress. Thanks snow for a wonderful evening BEAT IT.....Gilbotron



www.youtube.com/watch?v=Icb_tRTnA4g

Yeti

It was +5 outside in Fernie

when this yeti vest walks into the local 

skate shop/mexican diner/lowlife hangout. 

It took a few moments to realize that no, i have not just encounted sasquatch.

She was no doubt a woman from calgary visiting her vacation property. 

I couldnt even finish my fucking burrito.  

A Word of Warning

I am a product of the lowest common denominator, the result of a percolating experiment to override all things that science and humanity has gifted to the world. I am not disfigured, at least not on the outside. But i am certainly different on the inside. You have seen me, i have probably served you beer at a bar, or pumped your gas. You know me, and those like me, but you don't know my story. I am a countryfest baby.

I believe if Darwin or Kinsey had ever been to Countryfest, their thoeries or sex and species might have greatly changed. Countryfest is a place where basic math breaks down, like a black hole for numbers and other sensible thoughts. It was in this mess that i was concieved.

And now i am secretly shunned by soceity. Oh, society doesn't know that it is hating on me, but it talks about me behind my back to my face. But this isn't the worst of it, because i must deal with an even greater foe. This enemy is the Han Solo to my Chewie (you know a Wookie is never going to get the girl), the Lancelot to my, i dunno, like some squire or something...The Folkfest baby. The Folkfest baby can walk proudly down the street, where i must mask myself.

But one day, we will meet, on a great hill ro field maybe, and we will all confront each other messed outside our heads on our chosen 'weapons', and dance naked until the following dawn. Then we'll see what's what.
n.

The NUSmanifesto

We are a revolutionary front powered by late night binge-thinking, for the purpose of exposing our friends and enemies as frauds and bastards, a platform for the exploitation of talent for talents sake, i.e. non-profit, to shed some light on fringe society until we all die of syphyllis, which is a horrible name for a child, by the way.

First nose picker

possible cover?

what do you think

If you haven't tried 2 Robaxacet and a Joint then you haven't relaxed. This little number will have you chill and laughing in no time. Enjoy!