If you haven't tried 2 Robaxacet and a Joint then you haven't relaxed. This little number will have you chill and laughing in no time. Enjoy!

I went to the mall the other day,

No one was happy....it must have something to do with it being filled with shitty merch

-D

Rob either sucks good pussy or is a pussy

either way,

Im down with Rob


-D

MY world is not shared by anyone, i don't know my neighbors. I drive my car to work, alone! Red lights are chance to look at all the other people in their own bubbles getting them from a to b. I work in a cubicle with my only friend lenny the macbook until five when i go home in my bubble and watch tv till i fall asleep.

My doctor gave me pills to "cure" my depression...how did North America become so self centered and alone....(gulp)....I just swallowed all my pills, i hope in hell people will notice im there....

The intent of this story was to make you aware that north america has lost touch with human interaction. Talk with someone you dont know today, explore the relationship that blossoms in you from this interaction. Your heart will feel the warmth from the smiles and kindness of others. Much love to all -D

Meet Bill

Bills icy cold eyes, scabbed forehead and sleeves covered in mucus made it obvious that life was tough. My 10-15 minutes with him were not spent listening to terrible things, just acts of kindness he encountered from time to time.

Its hard to believe, in a country with such wealth and opportunity, Bill has nothing...


Where is the Love Canada??

-D

Taxi Driver

"How much to get to the centre...? Seven Bolivianos? Alright, lets go!"
So I get in the cab, and ya it was sketchy with it's hand-painted "TAXI" decal, and lawn chairs for seats... But it was Bolivia, all the taxis were like this!
Unfortunately this one was a little more sketchy than the others... It came with a three person kid-nap, and robbery operation! Soon after I get in, one person hops in on my left, then another on my right, and I then realize that the driver isn't going where I asked... "Driver you're going the wrong way." "Tranquilo," he tells me... Relax? This is when I realize these three fuckers don't have good intentions with me.
We spent the next 45 min's driving through the ghettos, over cunning conversation, and a good game of "let's see how much stuff you guys can steal from me - please don't try to kill me!"... Oh, and we were being followed by a flat-bed filled with dudes. Then, all of a sudden, they boot me out of the car, tell me to wait there for five minutes, and then drive off... Ya, I'll wait, come back and let me know if those credit cards work! Fuck...
So I take off running... To the nearest "good looking" whatever. I find a family owned bakery, and they take me in for the next two nights while I pull my shit together... Unbelievable...One minute I'm being robbed, the next I'm being taken in by total strangers...
R.D.

TEEF

First time i had my wisdom teeth pulled out of my face hole. Hopefully the last time to. Apparently they can grow back like some kind of lizard tail. Fuck that. Could you imagine if you had to have 4 teeth pulled every couple of months because they grew back. No way, not gonna happen.

I'm Beginning to Really Dislike the Drake!

So I was at this party the other night. Fun time. But then all of a sudden I hear somebody say "oh have you seen the (insert gay name here) video on youtube?!"

This is when I realized the party was about to die.

Youtube is equal to guitar hero or rockband of vibe killers.. "Just watch this video of this kid who gets punched in the face it's so funny!"
No it's not.
Sure it could be alright to watch youtube videos when your at home drunk in your underwear with nothing to do but cruise the internet. But really I don't want to crowd around a fucking computer for five minutes to watch some shitty flash animation cartoon about talking dogs, when I could be drinking in the other room having actual conversations with people.

Another thing that is really pissing me off that I don't want to start another post about are the Redcoats downtown.
Driving around in their epicly gay white paddywagon. If I'm drunk waiting for a bus with my headphones in my ears, I don't want to be bugged by some douchebag on a power trip. "Where are you headed tonight sir?"
"I'm headed to Get Fucked street so leave me alone."
If I'm skateboarding down Portage, I don't want to be told to get off my board. They have no real authority to take my skateboard or anything. They can tell you to leave, but you just have to tell them to take their red golf shirt and shove it up their ass. Then you have about twenty five minutes before the real cops come.
I saw them trying to throw this native fellow in the back of their wagon because he jaywalked across Grant street tonight. Yes that's right, Grant, the street that only allows busses to go down it. If these guys are trying to "protect the streets" where were they when that kid got stabbed in the back of the neck last year, or when that other kid got shot infront of Portage Place? I can tell you where they were, they were in the Library parkade fucking eachother in the mouth.

I have no real story, point and the grammar is terrible. But I don't care right now.
But when one of these assholes bug you take his red shirt and jersey him. Like the Kenny Wu from Mighty Ducks 2.


TJ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDkx7ayfdRQ&feature=related

If you haven't seen the movie Ali G In Da House don't worry your life might be complete some day. Big ups.
T to the Bag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9yOVjZsiOM&feature=related

Blow it out your mouth

If I hear one more person comment about me smoking, I WILL put my cigarette out on their tongue. Sorry to get excited, but I’m fed up. YES I smoke, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. You don’t need to ask me if I do, after I light up a cigarette. You don’t need to tell me its bad for me, I know. I mean seriously, if I’m walking down the street smoking a cigarette and Jake Shticknisarse is walking past me I don’t need his 2 cents. I’m not an asshole about smoking. I’m not gonna come into your house, light one up and start talking about the weather. But if I do please state your opinion. However until that happens, its my body, and my choice as to what I do with it. So long as its not affecting you, don’t talk to me about it. Don’t get me wrong though I’m not trying to justify smoking, I just simply mean to say leave me alone about it. I’ll quit when I’m ready and your hurricane of smoking facts isn’t going to quicken the process.

“What? There ISN’T any vitamin C in my cigarette? Whats that? Smoking can cause CANCER!?”

texas.lee

Barack the Rock Star

So i was listening to some CBC Radio (which should be mandatory for anyone with an opinion to listen to before making said opinion), and the Obama presidential visit was what was on. They were interviewing people who had come from quite a way and waited in Ottawa's cold to catch a glimpse of the president. Okay, that's cool, i get that it's history in the making and all that, but they made a point of the fact that Mr. Obama waved at the crowd. Now if you can remember the last time anybody wanted to go through all that to see a head of state (without the intention of throwing a shoe at him) you probably do so with the help of alzhiemer medication, cause that was back with JFK and Trudeau.

So to recap, hundreds if not thousands of people waited around in the cold for hours to catch a few seconds of Barack Obama, and were satisfied with a wave to the crowd. That is a rock star if i ever heard one. I can see the Obama tattoos and groupie fan clubs now.

Not anything against Obama. I for one have full confidence in him (as far as that translates in the real world), but really people, enough of the hero worship. You are the people who vote based on which party colours match your wardrobe. Leave him alone for a while and let him do his job.

Tore Up From The Floor Up

I've realized that all my stories are about me getting down with women. If someone finds them offensive please feel free to comment.
Keep in mind I won't care. But if you want your word to be heard, go for it.
Anyways...
The first time I realized I had this talent was in Grade Eight. The bus I took after school was filled with older girls. I was in heaven because they would always holler at me and tell me to sit with them. But there was one girl. Her name's gonna stay Anonymous for reasons unknown. But anyways, one day she got me to sit beside her and I'm not sure why. Since she was older than me, prettier and had big breasts which me and all my friends would talk about everytime we got off the bus.

The next day at school word was flyin around that she wanted me to sit beside her every day from now on. But she wanted me to put my hand up her shirt too (no foolin' they were huge).. I still don't know what the fuck she was thinking. But that afternoon bus ride was the most memorable bus ride I have ever taken in my entire life. She had the most soft, perfectly round boobs. But that's not all... after I got off the bus, all I saw was her stand up to the window and press her bare breasts up against the glass. It looked like two really big eyeballs were just staring at me.

I have loved older women ever since and I still love taking the bus because when I sit in that back seat all I can do is smile.



-TJ

Slurpees and Hash

Me and Brandon, Manitoba have a little history. Mostly because of my cousin, who is the reason i no longer wear diapers. I used to hang out with him, and because we were only about 15 and 13 respectively, we just walked around a lot, and went to rent video games, and buy slurpees, and occasionally go to his dealer friends house, so that i could put on his electric glove that he plugged into the socket and zapped stuff around the room. It was one of these time in winter, me with a cherry slurpee, and us walking around minding our own business, when an ugly puke green van turns the corner a little too sharp, slides out a little, and runs into me as i'm walking on the curb. My slurpee flies up in the air and lands on the guys windshield, and he slams on his breaks. He was freakin out, 'cause he thought the cherry slurpee was blood mixed with all the slush on his windshield, and he comes up to me lying on the ground. His side mirror was busted where i had rolled of the side. He gets out and is really panicky. He asks me if i'm okay, and i couldn't really breathe, so i just nodded. Then he asked me if i wanted some Hash. I couldn't breathe, let alone smoke, so i shook my head. My cousin, however, said yes, and the two of them sat in the back of the van while i lay on the sidewalk until i could stand up straight again. It all happened kinda fast, but you'd think he would have at least given me some money or something...cheap ass Brandon Hash Man.
n.

Cross-dresser

It was grade 12. My teacher was talking about social conditioning, and was explaining to us why it is that men don't wear dresses. That it wasn't because they didn't want to, but because of social standards, conditioning, etc...
Well obviously if a dude wears a dress in public, he's going to get some strange reactions, but ultimately if one wanted to, it could be done, and that's that. I told her the reason dudes don't wear dresses isn't because of fear of societies reaction, but because we just don't want to...
So the next day I woke up and instead of putting on my "normal" clothes, I went to my sisters room and grabbed a pretty little number from her closet... I got dressed and began my walk to school wearing a black flowered dress... I was going to show my teacher how simple it really is.
While leaving the house my dad saw me, then asked me if there was something I wanted to talk about with him... The simplicity was soon disapearing.
The walk to school was no better. Full of insults, threats, "hollers," and more. The day at school was more of the same. Violent threats, curious looks, ass grabs, insults, compliments, everything one can imagine, and more... Finally I had class with the teacher, and we all had a good laugh at my little experiment... Yes, she was right. The dress was comfortable, I guess. But there's no fucking way I'm doing that again. Not worth the attention, and potentially dangerous reactions. This was the first time I publically wore womans clothing on a normal day.
R.D.

Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

I went to school with a girl. On the outside she was beautiful, red hair, legs to next week, she was put together very nicely. From what I knew she was a great person too.

One night we found ourselves in a cellar of a friends house. A legitimate cellar too, there were so many jars of pickled vegetables and canned fruits. But I digress. This girl starts to go down into my area and whatnot. I'm psyched, just as every other 17 year old boy would be. But she starts treating it like she's peeling a carrot. I was in so much pain, I couldn't take it anymore.

I told her to stop. She asked if I wanted to take it further and my obvious response was "no fucking way." Since it felt like my dick was going to fall off and into one of the jars of pickled carrots, where (i felt like) it belonged.

Maybe I should stop getting down with girls at house parties?

-TJ

Busch

New Years Eve, two years ago. At the stroke of midnight I'm locked in my ex-girlfriend's friend's bathroom with my ex-girlfriend. Shit is getting sweaty. Me and this girl had not yet fooled around or anything, so it was all a new and exciting experience, like putting on a new pair of shoes. Except a wet shoe that I'm sticking my john into.

She lays on the bathroom floor and gives me the "fuckme" eyes and unzips her pants..

The first time I ever said no to sex was when I didn't see her vagina, but a big burly forest of pubic hair come popping out of this girl's pants. I swear it was right when everybody yelled out "HAPPY NEW YEAR" downstairs. I told her some story about how it would be wrong to go unprotected and I had to leave anyways.

Six days later I broke up with her.
I just couldn't deal with it.

-TJ Morand

First time I pissed on a cowboy hat.

So I'm on my way to a party in Falcon Lake with a buddy of mine in the dead of winter. We left the city kinda late and due to poor road conditions and three near car accidents, we arrived kind of late. Everyone at the party is smashed and so my friend and I decide we ought to catch up. My poison? Two 2L bottles of Stone Cold beer, which I managed to destroy within 45 minutes of arrival. I only remember the first hour and a half of that night, although reports state that I was well and kicking for at least three hours. I remember almost getting into a fight with six dudes wielding baseball bats, tire irons, and other what have yous' they snatched from their cars, and hitting on my other friend's girlfriend.

I woke up the next morning feeling great, but still quite cut, in the bedroom of the girl who owned the place, with a different buddy that I had gone to school with, a girl I had gone to school with and some other people I didn't know. (it was a loft style bedroom with three beds...................) My buddy woke up about the same time I did and asked me if I had to pee? "Pee?" I asked. He said "Yeah you pissed last night, do you have to pee?" Of course I pissed last night, drunk people pee all the time I though to myself. "What do you mean I pissed last night?" I asked. "You pissed right there on the floor! and a little bit on that girl! (points to the girl we went to school with) and on some dude's cow boy hat! "Well the hat had it comming." I said "But I don't believe you for a second." Then I got up and went downstairs to a crowd of people yelling "HEY ITS PEE GUY!"

I do also remember pissing in a snow bank with a bunch of clothes in it, including a cowboy hat.

But seriously fuck guys with cowboy hats.


Texas.Lee

FIRST TIME I SAW A DANCING VAGINA

I've never really been the party type. I didn't drink til I was 20, never really dated, didn't really do any kind of drugs until i was into my 20s. So I think it was when I was 19 or 20 when I went to the strip club for the first time. My friends had been regulars at this particular club. I was very reluctant to go and kept a distant mood between having a good time and the evening. Of course my friends wanted to sit "sniffers row"  I was totally not into that, i was the guy on sniffers row with his arms crossed looking at a tv.  literally maybe two songs in something snapped and i then looked like i had been to that bar many many times. it was like a switch happened and I went from a 'to cool for school asshole' to the penis driven male that I am.  Banging on the dance floor and yelling with the best of 'em. I know doing that now isn't  cool and I don't do it now but it was my first time at the strip, give me a break, vagina. 

I've been there many times since then

-DF

Happy Days at the Villa

if we are still on firsts, i have a happy one that i just can't keep bottled up. The first time i enjoyed going to the Villa was this night. There was this group of blonde (possibly foriegn, swedish maybe) girls just givin' 'er on the dance floor. But not like you usually see in bars, they were actually dancing because they enjoyed dancing, without pretense or subtext. It was like a family social (my family loves to dance, though admittedly not very well), not some grotesque grindfest that reeks of bullshit. It was honest it was cheerful, and it made me smile. In the Villa of all places. So heres to you, dancing blonde girls. If i ever see you again, i might ask you all to marry me.

It's 12:39 and i can't sleep because I'm so amped. WHY?
I'm at the local watering hole to meet a friend for a quick drink on the way home. Go have a puff outside. have a beer. laugh. You know what a bar is like. I should mention our buddy is the bar tender. This super sketch coke head/dealer to fags comes in with a 48 year old dude to do shots. Cokey say to the bar tender that "i got your back man" so my friend who i met their jokingly pushes the bar keep. Cokey didn't like that. He pulls off his coat and starts yelling shit. Next thing i know I'm on the ground and so is my bar stool. He threatened to "skin us" and told the bar tender to watch his back, right after he said he had his back.
Don't become a Coke dealer Root Beer is much better.
T

Monster in the Basement

You know when you get that feeling like there's someone/something watching you? Well I always thought I knew what that felt like, until the time came when I actually found out what it feels like...
I was in the jungles of northern Argentina set out to enjoy the sights of some kick-ass water falls shared between the jungles of northern Argentina, and southern Brazil.
A great day was had, and as it wound down, and the sun started to set, I headed back to the pick-up point. I needed to follow a set of train tracks that ran through the jungle, then turn left off the tracks, onto a path that would take me to the pick-up.
As soon as I walked left, off the tracks, something strange happened... The whole look and feel of the jungle changed... During the day the jungle was crawling with activity, alive, and randomly noisy, like a kindergarton class full of kids! But when I turned left onto this path I was struck with a feeling of intentional stillness... Something was up.... I brushed it off as silly paranoia, and continued walking. Shortly after I thought I heard the noise of foot steps off into the bush... So I stopped, and listened... But as soon as I stopped moving the noise stopped. My heart's pase spead up a bit. "Hm," I thought... "That's weird?" So I kept moving, and sure enough, I heard it again, "crunch, crunch." Almost in rythm with my footsteps. This time I knew for sure that I heard it, stopped again, and began searching in the direction of the noise to try and see the source. But, I couldn't see anything... Fuck, I'm in the jungle wearing flip-flops(bad decision from the get-go), it's dark, and I'm alone... Heart started to beat even faster, and my body was telling me to get the fuck off this narrow-ass path. But, curiosity was also telling me to move forward, and find out what was making that noise. So I kept on walking, heart beating through my chest, and sure enough I heard the noise again, "crunch, crunch." This time I was ready for it, and my gaze was set in the direction where I thought it was coming from... I stopped walking a peered into the jungle... Then, there it was. A 45 degree angle off the path, about 20 metres ahead of me. A black puma, head still, SLOWLY moving through the jungle towards the path. The presence of it, and my entire lack of experience of the situation awoke my being like a slap in the face followed by a bucket of cold water!! "Holy shit!!" Once it was confirmed that I was in fact seeing what I thought I was, and then realized that I wasn't in a fucking zoo, I slowly started walking backward for a few steps, then turned, and ran the hell outa there! You know when you were a little kid coming up the stairs from the basement, and you run up the stairs as fast as you can so the monsters don't get you? Well, that's what it felt like, but with a real monster! Longest run of my life. I finally reached the train tracks, only to hear heavy movement through the bushes behind me...I turned, ready to fuck that cat up, but luckily... for it, it ran the other way. That was the first time I saw a big cat in the wild!
R.D.

The sky is falling

So this is the price i pay for living in a fixer-upper; last night i got out the pots and pans because the ceiling was leaking. no bigs, but the pinging was loud enough that i had to turn up the Kid Koala, which actually mixed with the drip rhythms. anyway, i woke up in the morning and noticed the neat little cave in that was become my new ceiling. I crawl into the attic, which involves a fair bit of acrobatics and tried to find the source. Note to self, next time bring a flashlight. When that didn't solve anything, i went to have some bagels and eggs for breakfast. Well lunch technically, but i had just woken up, so call it what you want. And as i am sitting down for a nice relaxing food-meal, a mice big chunk of the ceiling falls on me. worse things have happened, but it still ruined my bagel and eggs. And now there is a big ugly hole above the coffee table.
the end.
n.

Metal Head

When do you get to that point in your life when you say to yourself, I'm not going to cut my hair and wear this leather jacket for 20 years. Maybe go to every metal show at the Zoo and get partied out. Wake up on some dudes floor beside empty Molson cans, cold pizza, and smoke butts.
Where do these people work?
T-Bag

Death

We all deep down know,
that whether it's from head trauma, or old age,
the exact instant before death,
everyone has a brief moment of true, painful sadness,
when engulfed in absolute knowledge,
of the nothingness the afterlife offers.

Play it Safe

not in vain, just vain.

I would like to take a moment 

to thank the Winnipeg bolshevik rioters of 1919.

It is because of you that we are free,

to be slutty drunken honky tonk assholes. 

legs

slitting your throat and fucking the wound.

My work hired a new woman as a boss the other day.  As i started checking her out, i decided that her shit was pretty tight, and fucking late night in the office after close would be excellent.  Then she came to talk to me. I noticed the scar on her neck, which means she probably had thyroid cancer, and that shit is probably contagious, so count me out.  

Fuck cancer.

milk?

Who was the first guy to drink milk? Someone had to stick their head under a cow and giver a suckle. Maybe the wife makes some cookies. O ya it's fucking before cookies were invented. When do you decide that's a good idea? dumb ass

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