All Access

I hesitate to submit this, solely because it kinda ruins the majesty of the moment, and also because if the authorities ever got their hands on it, it might not be able to happen again. But here goes...

Me and a friend of mine, Adam, own a bus. Actually, now we own buses. School Buses. All those party buses you see driving drunk slobs around; we were doing that since junior high. Posers. We converted it to an 'RV', which in legal speak means 'cheap insurance'. The taxi cab bureau gave us some grief and a summons to court for driving people around, but dude, just because you have a uniform and a clipboard does not mean i give a shit. I'm more intimidated by mall cops.

Anyway, we decided it was a good idea to take a road trip. We got a few people together and headed off to Warped Tour in Calgary. We had actually gone the year before, but we did it all in three days and i had an unfortunate incident with a pepperoni stick and and juicemonkey in a black Avalanche (douchebag, i still have your plate, and if you're reading this, i hope yo drop a dumbell on your nuts), which is another in the long line of reasons that i hate Calgary.

The next year we decidec to take a little more time, so we got there early, before any of the bands had shown up, even any of the crews. The year before we parked outside the gate, and were kept up all night by people who thought it was cool to kick our bus and try to roll it over. Now the gate was wide open, and not knowing where else to park, we went behind the racetrack where the fest happens, and parked. There were only a few semi's there, and nobody to kick us out, so we settled in for the night. We woke up and it was a damn gypsy village. Vans, buses, and trailers all over the place, people whizzing around on little scooters, that kind of thing.

We were a little groggy, but we finally put it together when someone came onto our bus and asked us what band we were, or with. No, man, we aren't a band, we just came for the free parking. Schweet, backstage at a rock show. We were parked next to the designated BBQ band, Eight Fingers Down, (i think, i still haven't listened to their CD), cracked some beers, and had a nap on top of the bus. We offered the bands some beers, but they kind of just ignored us (and the beers. what kind of rockers are you anyway?) so we walked around and just checked it out.

While me and Adam were watching the crews set up, havin a beer and minding out own, security comes and taps us on the shoulder. Now this whole time we are walking around with this feeling of "we are totally not supposed to be here, we are totally gonna get busted, this is totally awesome".

"what are you doing here?"
"came for the show"
"you in a band?"
"no"

Adam saved the day by telling him we were just merch guys, a little lots and out of it from 'last night'. By the way, 'last night' is a pretty all encompassing term that can get you out of a lot of tight situations. We played Bocce with a band that got called in from Winnipeg the night before (and they drank our beers). They told us stories of having sex next to poo, a crazy african woman, and wolves in their house. We walked through the gates around the back, bypassing security check (still have the unused ticket), and had a good ol' day watching bands in the blazing heat.

We were a little worried about getting back to the bus, 'cause everyone else had passes and stuff. I think we bribed the guard with oral favours or something. anyway, we made it back for the after show BBQ, had some burgers and played some disc. Chatted with AFI around the fire and watched the sun set. We found out that everyone was really late yesterday because they all got really wrecked in Golden, and they had to leave early because they had to cross the border the next day. I thought it was because nobody really likes to stay in Calgary.

We ended up going to Banff that night, and waking up with mountains everywhere, which is pretty magical in itself. Bocce-ed around Banff, and went home the next day.

Oh yeah, and Calgary sucks.